Boundaries, People Pleasing, and Food Service

In our most real-life, relatable episode yet, we tell stories of life in a restaurant, parenting in the age of social media, and how gender and power dynamics play out in ordinary days.

Boundaries are a much needed tool for working out what I do and don't need or want.  But 'working' is exactly what's needed. Boundary setting is a skill that improves with practice, and we talk about how to practice.

Join us, and let us know what you think. If you like what you hear, leave us a 5 star review, and we'll see you in Season 2.

We'd love to hear from you at www.juliepowellcoaching.com... Use any button to contact us until we set up our podcast connections.

Transcript

Tempo: 120.0

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Welcome back to Honestly Ever After, where real conversations meet real relationships. I'm Julie.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

I'm Faith.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

I am in my 50s.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

I am a relational life coach, and I've been married for more than 30 years. My husband and I have eight kids.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

And I am in my early 20s. I am in a relationship of about two years, and I'm one of those eight kids.

SPEAKER_04 0:35

Together we are diving into what it actually takes to build healthy, lasting relationships in your 20s and 30s, and even before. No fairy tales, just honest talk about love, regulation, boundaries, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

So whether you're single, dating, or figuring it out as you go, we're happier here.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

But people pleasing, it's not honest. And I am the people pleaser in chief. If you want to look at how to be a perfect people pleaser, you may come and watch old.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:35

And it's a way of protecting and controlling. And I was so mortified when I had to start thinking about the fact that I was actually being controlling of situations by being nice, by people pleasing, by not being honest about what I thought, felt, was experiencing, even with myself. Yeah. And I did it for decades. It does build some resentment. But it's just it's not healthy. It's not honestly like showing up with integrity as yourself. It's morphing yourself into what you think will make things work.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:20

And I'm we learn to do these things because it looks like it's something that does work or will work, especially when we're younger. But the whole idea is, as we're gonna move into the grown-up move, just as a little breakup in the middle of the segment, the idea is to not continue behaving the ways that we learned when we were younger. If they don't work well. How does that sound if I say that?

SPEAKER_02 2:46

Well, it sounds daunting. Because I and I like when you brought up being a people pleaser and especially as women just trying to keep the peace or control the situation, I giggle and whatever the front of my mind is all that's so not me. But it is, I do it every single day. I never ever mean to. And then three seconds afterwards, when I have a second to process the abuse that I just took, I get so angry because it is like selling yourself. It's like being a non-human, it's like being a robot designed to just take the punches.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

And you didn't behave in with the integrity of what you believe.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Right. And exactly. That's the even more upsetting part is I was so unfaithful to myself.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

It sounds like you're thinking of a specific situation.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Yeah. So I work in food service, and I was hosting the other night, and I got a call. One of my coworkers. Okay, so actually, I'm not gonna set the scene because it'll sound crazier. I pick up the phone. I think so and yeah, yeah. So I pick up the phone at the host stand, no introduction from the other line. First thing is, hey, is so-and-so there. I said, I am not authorized to disclose that information.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Good for you.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

He lost it, he lost his mind on me.

SPEAKER_04 4:24

Like when you just said, I can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

Yeah, I said, I'm sorry, I I can't tell you that, which is, I think, kind of the textbook answer. When someone asks you on the phone where someone is, you never ever tell what my gosh.

SPEAKER_04 4:40

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

So he lost it. He lost it.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

And he was like, I'm not wait, I can hear how upsetting. And you said your body is like, ugh, my body is not safe right now. Take a minute, it's okay. You are having a reasonable reaction to a crazy situation, yeah. But feel your feet, feel your weight on what you're sitting on, and take a breath and just check in with yourself. Yeah, you know, remind yourself you're not talking on the phone right now with this person. And when you feel comfortable, you can say more about what happened. And if you find it gets too much, take a moment. Like this is like literal approaching as we're going. Go for it. Take a breath, you're ready.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

Okay. So, anyway, I said that I am not gonna tell you. He starts going on, I'm not asking you for her address. I just want to know if she's there. I said, Okay, do you want to make a reservation? It was like, I don't even know what else he said. He kept going on and on. And then he goes, he goes, Okay, well, I'm driving away now. And I was like, You're you're out. He was like, I'm outside, but I'm driving away now. I'm not coming in. I come in, I've been into your restaurant 19 times. Quote unquote 19 times. I said, Okay, I've been here a lot more than 19 times. Thank you. He was like, I was gonna come in and spend money at your establishment, but now I'm leaving, and and you should know that it's your fault. Hangs up. I said, I go to so-and-so, and I was like, Hey, like, do you know this? He's giving me his name. I was like, What's this guy? And she was like, Oh, yeah, it's my sugar daddy who was supposed to come in today. And I said, Okay, well, he's not, because he's sorry, I'm I'm gonna get profane in a second.

SPEAKER_04 6:37

Yeah, I have to put a little check mark at the bottom if there's explicit material.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

No, I know. Oh my gosh. So yeah, and then and then, so that was one quick boundary crossed of just someone being a verbally abusive on the phone, which doesn't happen a lot, but I've dealt with it before.

unknown 6:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:58

The second boundary crossed was so-and-so asked me to call him back because she's got money on the line, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

So I, being the complete people pleaser that I always think I'm not, I went and called him back after well, the other incredible boundary crossed was that she asked me to move reservations around so that he could sit at a table because he wouldn't sit at the bar, which is also something that I did. So I call him back with a table ready. And he said, I mean, the phone call must have been on like five plus minutes of him just berating me. He said, I'm not, I'm I'm across the bridge now. I I was gonna come in, I was outside, I was ready. I just wanted to see my friend. My friend was there, she told me she was there, she texted me to come in. And then he said, He said, I have a$3,000 Dyson washer dryer for her, and and you ruined that. Like she was gonna get that, and you ruined it, and you have to go apologize to her now because you um wouldn't let me in. And I said, Who wouldn't let you in? I didn't say that, obviously, because I was in fight or flight, I didn't know what to do. The important part of the story is that this man never stepped foot in the restaurant. He called me on the phone. I wouldn't tell him where the girl he was asking about was, and he ripped me apart for like five minutes, talking about how I was a bad person. He's a regular patron. And I think it was all just because I didn't give him exactly what he wanted right off the bat. It was that one second of I'm not gonna tell you where she is. And he lost his mind.

unknown 8:39

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 8:40

And I did nothing. I apologized to him, I apologized to the girl. I apologize, apologize, apologize. I moved around the seating so that he could get a table above reservations, which he did not have a reservation because he's far too good for that. And I just went to the bathroom and sobbed, not necessarily because I got yelled at, I get yelled at all the time, but just because I hadn't stuck up for myself. And it's still so like oh wow, yeah, terrible.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

Lots and lots of ways that your boundaries were disrespected, boundaries that you could look back now and say that you could have, should have, would have been in a healthier setting. But the guy was telling you there was all this cost. If you did anything that displeased him, it was gonna cost you, basically.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

And he wasn't even paying me for the abuse. There was no reason for me to take that.

SPEAKER_04 9:42

Yeah. And you were in a work setting, so you're already in this customer service mode of I have to be polite and I have to uphold the good name of the establishment, you know?

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Exactly. And I get so deep into that, I'll just take anything when I'm on the floor.

SPEAKER_04 9:58

And is it interesting that people are willing to dish out anything?

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Because they're paying for it.

unknown 10:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Food service is a little bit like selling your soul too.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

Yeah. Well, didn't know this is where this um episode was going, but thank you for saying it because I think it's important.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:16

The way that you treat people whom you perceive as under you or in service positions is very revealing of what you believe about people in general.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:34

Yeah. And as a mother, it's hard to hear that people treat my child that way because it's so wrong.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

It's just so wrong. It just doesn't make any sense.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

And the fact that you have layers of basically grooming that keep you, that kept you in this case from just slamming the phone down.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:00

That is also wrong. It's just awful. And you know, and I know that people live this every day. So boundaries matter, and it can feel even more violating when you don't set them. Or when you don't have when you really feel like you don't have a way to set them and hold them.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

And I think that you named, like in food service or in any kind of service industry, it can be that the customer's always right. Money always talks, and any line can be crossed because they're paid.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Right.

SPEAKER_04 11:44

Yeah, that's pretty sick, huh?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

It's incredibly sick. It's the American way.

SPEAKER_04 11:50

It absolutely is. It's very, very inhumane and very wrong on a lot of levels. So where do we go on from here? Do you want to just follow the plan or do you want to further, you know, do you need to explore this a little bit more?

SPEAKER_02 12:08

I like how do you mean? Explore.

SPEAKER_04 12:11

Yeah, just you know, more thoughts as you said it and what's going on for you now. I just like I'm done with it. I'm gonna pass. Absolutely. And we can always come back to it off offline. Yeah. Online. I think it's a super important conversation. Yeah. You might make it its whole own episode of like how not to treat service workers like dirt.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:36

And let's just name it out loud. This male-female dynamic. What was it about the situation?

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 12:46

Made it. I think it was okay to talk that way.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

It was the male-female dynamic. And it was the age. This man is like textbook sugar daddy. He invoked my age. He said, I'm a 60. Yeah, he said, I'm a 67-year-old man. You sound like you're about 22. And then he he didn't, he he goes, he goes, actually, our age doesn't have anything to do with it. And I thought, but it does, it absolutely does.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Because you can control younger women because you have money.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

It makes me want to vomit.

SPEAKER_04 13:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

And makes me want to quit food service.

SPEAKER_04 13:27

Right. Understandable. And honestly, I think that actually the places where you've worked offer you probably more protection than a lot of places do. Yeah. And you have lots of privileges that do protect you even in those situations.

SPEAKER_02 13:46

Yeah. Can be a lot worse.

SPEAKER_04 13:48

Right. Not to say that there's anything that was okay about it.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

And I know it's not awful.

SPEAKER_04 13:54

But I'm just thinking through just on a larger scale, that people who feel entitled to treat other people that way, we see it all over. And it's really awful wherever we see it. I am going to move on to the next point in our little plan here. Because I think it kind of ties in with we've already mentioned 24-7 access and digital, like immediate people can put their thoughts out there without having really processed them and thought and really understood what's going on. I had a small example of this. And I and I also want to say when we feel really angry in those moments, that anger is right. That is an important indicator, like a warning light on your dashboard. Because a boundary has been crossed. Yeah. That's what that anger tells you. So it's a good rule of thumb when you're shopping, especially online, to if you're gonna try to avoid impulse purchases, put something in your cart and then leave it for 24 hours. Okay, you might get this really annoying. You forgot something in your cart, and but it can be really helpful. Do I actually want to buy this or am I buying this just because it'll feel good to buy it right now? Same thing with posts. And there was the issue with the hockey team, and I don't think we can put this in because again, it's gonna be too political.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

But I posted I think we should get we should get aggressively political because I'm sick and tired of it.

SPEAKER_04 15:36

I posted after that, and I posted before something that went in this line, like the little series. If my elementary still still aged son behaved like XYZ that we had just seen on the news, that would be a problem. And I want to help him think through that problem. And there was some pushback. Oh, I think that you know, it's just a fun moment. Everybody was kind of carried away. But what I noticed, having thought about it, and so here's my okay, was it wrong to post when I was really feeling very, very strongly upset? Um I think I actually managed to temper it pretty well, and I can think through it more. So having thought through it, it was again that balance of power dynamic that stood stands out to me. People were celebrating, they were super excited, the team had just won, they were obviously just celebrating the most exciting thing that they were that they could have had happen that day. Um, and then there was this phone call, and a joke was made, and it was a power dynamic. I I feel like those players were being used, and yeah, even being used in a way that then could be pointed out to be like, look, and they they agreed, they enjoyed it, they thought it was funny. Well, they were gonna laugh at anything, yeah. I think to be fair, they were not in a position, probably that moment, to be like, excuse me, that's not funny, you know? Yeah, I'm not sure what they could have done in the moment because as you said, they didn't have a moment to prepare. Like this boundary is you don't get a little flashing light that goes, okay, your boundary is going to be crossed in three, two, yeah, and you can be prepared. Yeah. So it emphasized for me the importance of getting really familiar with wait, what is it that I believe in certain situations? What is it that I want to do in certain situations? So I gave my younger son some specific scripts to practice. You know, if somebody cracks a joke that's like, wait, that's not really funny. You can simply go, what do you mean by that? Huh? Huh? Bro. So practicing, preparing for those situations, at least for me, because I never had language around that, it feels like again, I have a little bit more agency. I may miss it in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:28

I may not handle it perfectly in the moment. There's so many conditioning, you know, surprise, whatever. And that parodynamic is for real. So thank you for for processing that through with me because digital boundaries do matter. Um it actually has the right to your opinion on everything. Yeah. I I do understand the concept of, you know, silence is violence. Yes, you need to speak up about things that are very wrong. And you're not required to say something about every single thing in a particular forum.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:08

That's my boundary, I guess, there. Like there are times when I want to because it's important to me.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:18

Or it's important to people that I care about. So how do we set good boundaries? How do you set good boundaries as a young adult of whatever? Are you, you're not millennial. What are you?

SPEAKER_02 19:33

I might be Gen U Z.

SPEAKER_04 19:35

I don't even know what I am. Am I Gen X? I am not a boomer.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

You are, yeah, you're Gen X. I am Gen Z.

SPEAKER_04 19:45

Okay. So now that we've established that very important point, we can move on. What do you do as a Gen Z to have healthy digital boundaries? Or maybe things that you want to do to have better boundaries.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

I don't interact with a lot of people on social media, except for friends and family that I interact with in real life as well. Yep. Um, so my biggest well, here's an example, I guess. Angela and I send each other reels kind of continuously just throughout the day.

SPEAKER_04 20:23

Like, I saw this funny reel.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Yeah, we send each other all kinds of stuff. There's like food stuff, there's snowboarding stuff, you know, whatever is on our feed. Um, and and sometimes it can build up, and we call it doing our homework is when we go and react to each other's reels.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

And I sometimes feel quite obligated to do my homework. And and I've started just not. I've started, you know, just like I'll do it tomorrow or I'll do it whenever. So yeah, that's a little digital boundary that I'm not perfect that I still uh if he's actively on he's on the phone with me and he sees something funny and sends it to me, I'll often go right to it and watch it. Uh-huh. Even if sometimes I don't feel like I want to. But yeah, that's something I'm working on is trying to be like, no, I'm not on Instagram right now. You do you, I'll see it later. That kind of thing. So I guess it's just not being available all the time on Instagram.

SPEAKER_04 21:26

Yeah, or just not choosing to use your time in that moment to do that thing that somebody else kind of by sending it to you, you feel oh, they want me to do this.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:39

With my younger teen kids just trying to reinforce a time, you know? Yeah. Where is that personal time when there's not another voice happening and to process and breathe be that I actually wrestled with.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Today. I am a big podcast listener and I went out for a walk because oh my goodness, it was 46 degrees today. I walked down to the beach, but I I just got outside and I had my AirPods in already playing a podcast. And through my AirPods, I heard birds chirping. And I was like, this is silly. And so I took out my AirPods and just walked, you know, the old-fashioned way for a while. And yeah, and that was really nice. That was a little boundary I set for myself. And then I, you know, I got to a point where it was all marshlands and there were no more birds. And I was like, all right, I'll listen to my podcast now. And then I got to the beach and there were waves. So I took my AirPods out again. And it was, it was nice to just like I don't have to be listening all the time, but I can when I want to.

SPEAKER_04 22:47

I don't kind of think I have to, but I can when I want to.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

Love that.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:53

And it's super weird because I am doing this workout training thing and just discovered how helpful it is to have music on when I'm running.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:07

And caught myself the running earbuds and yay. And I've been doing doing that. And then I went out this morning and I was like, I don't want something playing in my ear.

SPEAKER_01 23:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

So it was today as well. And I just didn't. I listened to heavy breathing and my footsteps the whole way.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Which is also really nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:28

So yeah. Well, uh, there's a super, super troubling short story, which the name is any short story is troubling. I think they are. They're all I hate short stories. I do too. But they are very powerful because this one has always stuck with me. And I went back and read it. It's by Kurt Vonnegut. I do remember that part. I don't remember the name of it. But the ending is just so horrible. I didn't even remember that part. Yeah. But the hook, the main idea at the beginning was that in this dystopian society, everyone had to was required by the government to wear an earpiece. And it played a startling sound loud to disrupt. So the person couldn't have long deep trains of thought.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 24:25

And it was adjusted according to the person's ability, intelligence, IQ.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:33

So the disruptions were more frequent and louder and more distressing for people who were more able mentally.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:44

And as you can imagine, everything devolves into utter awfulness. But it's always stuck with me this image of the constant distraction imposed from out so that you could not think through how to become free.

SPEAKER_02 25:03

Yeah. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 25:06

Yeah, look it up. It's really, really creepy and it's like it's just awful and violent.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

But I actually no, I don't, I don't, I won't be doing that.

SPEAKER_04 25:14

I hate short stories. The concept of this constant interruption.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:21

Is spot on, I think. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Yeah. It's also in the mysterious Benedict Society. Love those books. The issue, the problem that they're fighting against is noise that's hypnotizing people back basically from screens.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

TVs or whatever. I think it was just TVs and radios.

unknown 25:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

But there was an underlying message that you couldn't hear, but it was brainwashing you.

SPEAKER_04 25:48

It was being used to control you.

SPEAKER_02 25:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Crazy. That's that stuck with me from Mysterious Magnetic Soxity.

SPEAKER_04 25:54

I think that these are really important concepts that people who have spent time setting boundaries around affect their deep thinking. These are really valuable and important insights. So being careful to set healthy limits, even for ourselves, to say, I'm going to guard my thinking time even when I'd really rather be just scrolling.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:25

So sometimes we can set boundaries simply, as I said, they're not comfortable, but because they protect something that we value.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:35

And we've already said in romantic relationships, we want to be so close. We don't want to lose them. We don't want to address the little things that are annoying because that'll create more of a ripple. You know, you think, oh, well, we have time to talk about this, we'll talk about it. But then the time to talk about it, you plan a like nice dinner and you don't want to spoil the nice dinner. And so then you never bring it up.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

Yep. And then you get resentful and hurt, and they have no idea what's going on.

SPEAKER_04 27:06

We've talked about that before.

SPEAKER_02 27:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:08

I have a friend who used to say, if you were writing the story, she was a writer. If you were writing this the story, what would you have your character do in your shoes?

SPEAKER_01 27:19

Hmm.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

So it gives you this level of, okay, if I was outside of this, what would I do?

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:26

Which I kind of loved.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

I like that too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:30

Because we're almost always better at um telling other people what to do.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:36

So yeah, let's get practical and finish this up. I'm probably gonna have to make this two sections again, which is great because I think it's really rich and wonderful. We've already talked about okay, what's going on for me in this situation? A lot of us never learned to do that checking. Literally, I would have no idea. I don't know what I need, what I'm upset about. I'm just feeling it.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

I yeah, I still struggle with that too. And so my example with the phone call, I had no idea what I was feeling until you know five minutes later when I felt extremely justified and I knew it was happening. Um, but if I had taken a moment to drown out his yelling, which had no information in it whatsoever, and to just think, what am I feeling? What do I need? That I think would have been that's what I most regret is not taking a moment to listen and think about myself.

SPEAKER_04 28:27

Yeah, think about what you were experiencing and what you needed at that moment. Beautiful. Yeah. Right. So getting clear about what it is that you're feeling, what's affecting you, and what you need is huge. Because then you can say, This is what I am experiencing, this is what I am feeling, this is what I need, not you are horrible, and I can't believe that you're so terrible. You know, yeah, that's not gonna get anyone anywhere. We've talked about this before. If I'm just making assumptions and making up stories instead of taking responsibility, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I need now. Again, these are grown-up moves because we have to practice and learn to be honest with ourselves. Just keep practicing. It does not come naturally, but I'll tell you, you do become a lot better at it. I promise if I can go from zero ability to, you know, I've done a lot of work, but we're talking a few years, not decades.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:32

Attention where you're at is I just can't even imagine being 21 and learning this stuff. I think it's such a privilege to be able to talk about it with you.

SPEAKER_02 29:44

And it does feel extremely valuable for me. I think I've learned, I mean, you or I are such different people. I don't think that we were at the same starting point of when you were 21. I feel super grateful to have these conversations and have the opportunity to build these skills because I am quite young and I don't want to waste my youth being toxic to myself or to my boyfriend or friends or anything. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:14

Yeah, and talking about toxic, you know, if you come in with you always do this. Yeah, I do this all the time. We call them essentialists. You always do this, and you're just like this. Rather than when you do this, I feel overwhelmed and I feel scared about that. Yeah, that's using eye language. This is my experience. You're not judging about the other person's character, and then they're a lot more likely to be able to hear you. They still may not, and there's the discomfort. Yes, you're wrong. It is uncomfortable to risk how are they gonna respond? And they may come back with some really not healthy stuff, yeah, but that's also data. If you find out that, hey, they are not open to any kind of feedback. All right, there's some problems. So even though it's hard, the discomfort of the conversation is less than the cost of not ever having it. And you can't control the outcome, you can only control showing up with integrity yourself. Yeah, you can choose what you will do given different outcomes, you don't get to control them. Yeah, so long term, it's a lot better to be honest with yourself and with the other person, and to set realistic, honorable boundaries, actionable boundaries.

SPEAKER_02 31:45

So and to put a twist on our little myth that we've talked about before, if it's the right person, they're gonna work those boundaries with you, they're gonna be honest, they're gonna have their own boundaries.

SPEAKER_04 31:58

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

So it's not like if it's the right person, it'll all work out and be happy right after it'll be easy.

SPEAKER_04 32:04

Well, and sometimes that's how a relationship starts off and it's like, oh, this is so easy. They just go away. I've heard this from clients, like it was so great, and now it's just like scary because they don't ever have an opinion. I have to plan everything, I have to do everything, and that feels awful.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:27

So what you just said about both people having boundaries is really, really great. Yeah, and if somebody sets a boundary, hey, I'm really uncomfortable if you chew. Here we are back to our mesophonia. If you chew next to me, if you choose to do that, that's fine. And I'm gonna move to the other side of the room. Yeah, that's a boundary. I don't have to sit and listen to something that I'm super uncomfortable with. They may choose to throw a fit, but it's okay. You didn't do something wrong. Right, right. So here's our challenge to you. Here's our actionable challenge. Think of one relationship in your life right now where you've been saying yes, but you really mean no. And what would it look like to very honestly, but with kindness, tell the truth? You don't have to answer that.

SPEAKER_02 33:24

No, I'm pondering. I I'm not gonna answer here, but I yeah. As you think about our challenge, we are working on season two. Thank you so much for being here for season one. It's been wonderful, and there is so much to look forward to next season.

SPEAKER_04 33:40

Really fun. So much to look forward to. Thank you so much for joining us on Honestly Ever After. If today's conversation resonated with you at all, would you like, share, follow, download, and reach out to us on juliepowercoaching.com. Building great relationships takes honesty and intention and a whole lot of kindness to yourself and the other person. We'll see you next time.